英語幽默笑話集錦絕對好笑

1、一 Mental deficiency 智力缺陷"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked ."how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If

2、he hesitates, that puts you on the track." " Well, What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn'

3、;t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."“醫(yī)生，你能不能告訴我，”鮑勃問，“對于一個看 上去很正常的人，你是怎樣判斷出他有智力缺陷的呢？”“再沒有比這容易的了，”醫(yī)生回答，“問他一個簡單的問題，簡單到所有人都知道答案，如果他回答得不 干脆，那你就知道是怎么回事了?！薄澳且獑柺裁礃拥膯栴}呢？”“嗯，你可以這樣問，庫克船長環(huán)球旅行了三次，但是在其中一次的途中他去世了，是哪一次 呢？”鮑勃想了一會兒，緊張的回答道，“你就不能問另外一個問題

4、嗎？坦率地說，我對歷史了解的不是很多。”二 A Girl's Name 女孩的名字A Girl's NameWhen our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late（已故的） father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine（男性的） .Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is

5、very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.女孩的名字女兒出生時，我們給她取名叫邁爾斯，和我深愛的業(yè)已過世的父親同一個名字，不過家人提醒這個名字太

6、男性化了。幾年以后，我覺得邁爾斯已經(jīng)長大，能夠懂事了。我對她解釋說：你的名字很特別。我給你取了一個和我爸爸一樣的名字，因為我非常愛他。我相信他會為你而深感自豪的。邁爾斯很仔細(xì)地想了一下，然后說道：這些我都懂，媽媽。可是我不知道外公為什么會有一個女孩子的名字。三 A Gentle Reminder委婉提醒Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were

7、 sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?"Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, "So, you want to switch seats?"婚后已久，我丈夫往往在一個特別事情上需要委婉的提醒。在我們結(jié)婚35周年紀(jì)念的早上，我

8、們正坐在早餐桌旁，我暗示道：“親愛的，你意識到我們在這兩個相同的座位上已坐了整整35年了嗎？” 他放下報紙，眼睛直直地望著我：“因此，你想交換座位嗎？”四 請朋友吃飯 Friend for DinnerFriend for DinnerHoney, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I havent been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel li

9、ke cooking a fancy meal!I know all that.Then why did you invite a friend for supper?Because the poor fools thinking about getting married.請朋友吃飯“親愛的，”丈夫?qū)ζ拮诱f：“我邀請了一位朋友回家吃晚飯。”“什么？你瘋了嗎？我們的房子亂糟糟的，我很久沒有買過東西回來了，所有的碗碟都是臟 的，還有，我可不想做一餐累死人的晚飯。”“這些我全都知道。”“那你為什么還要邀請朋友回來吃晚飯？”“因為那個可憐的笨蛋正考慮要結(jié)婚呢?！蔽?半個還是十分之五Half or F

10、ive Tenths?Half or Five Tenths?Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.半個還是十分之五老師：你愿意要半個柑橘，還是十分之五個柑橘?杰拉得：我寧

11、可要半個。老師：仔細(xì)想想，說出理由來。杰拉得：因為你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就損失太多了。六 I don't think I know我想我不知道Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"John: "What do you think it is, sir?"Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"John: "I don't think I know either, sir!&

12、quot;老師：“John，動詞ring的過去分詞是什么？”。約翰：“你想它是什么呢”？老師：“我不用想，我知道！”。約翰：“我想我不知道”。七 情人節(jié)的夢表亂講One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace.When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What

13、 do you think it could mean?""You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile.On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".情人節(jié)前一天

14、，一個女人做了個項鏈的夢。當(dāng)她醒來，她和她丈夫說：“我剛夢到你情人節(jié)給了我一根珍珠項鏈。你說那是什么含義呢？”?！暗角槿斯?jié)那天你就會知道了?！彼χf。情人節(jié)那天，男人給了他老婆一個禮盒。她很興奮地打開，看到的卻是一本書，書名是夢的解析。8 最物理學(xué)的冷笑話A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it's Einstein's turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All

15、the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.Einstein walked to him and said: "Newton, I've got you!"Newton answered: "No. You didn't got Newton."Einstein said: "Then who are you!?"Newton said: "Look, where am I standing?"Einstein lo

16、oked down and found that Newton was standing on a square floor board with one metre long and one metre wide. He didn't understand.Newton then said: "There's one square meters under my feet. It then make us 'Newton divided by square meter". So, what you've got is not Newton,

17、 but Pascal."一群偉大的科學(xué)家去世后在天堂里玩藏貓貓。輪到愛因斯坦抓人，他數(shù)到100睜開眼睛，看到所有的人都藏起來了，只有牛頓還站在那里。愛因斯坦走過去說：“牛頓，我抓住你了?！迸ｎD：“不，你沒有抓到牛頓。”愛因斯坦：“你不是牛頓你還能是誰？”牛頓：“你看我腳下是什么？”愛因斯坦低頭，看到牛頓站在一塊長、寬都是一米的正方形地板磚上，大為不解。牛頓：“我腳下是一平方米的方塊，我站在上面就是牛頓/平方米。所以你抓住的不是牛頓，你抓住的是帕斯卡?！蔽锢砉疆?dāng)中“1牛頓/平方米=1帕斯卡”物理學(xué)家的笑話好冷、真的好冷九 上帝不聾奶奶聾Spending the night with

18、 their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD."His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf.&quo

19、t;To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"2個男孩與祖父母一起過夜，他們跪在床邊做睡前禱告。弟弟聲嘶力竭地祈禱: "我祈求一輛自行車，一張新DVD"哥哥用肘輕推他: "你為什么大喊著祈禱？上帝又不聾。"弟弟答道:"上帝是不聾，但是奶奶聾。"“好孩子?，F(xiàn)在告訴我們，你是怎樣使你奶奶高興的?！薄笆沁@樣的，老師。我昨天去看她，在她那兒呆了三個小時。然后我跟她說：奶奶，我要回家了。她說：啊，我很高興！”十 謹(jǐn)遵醫(yī)囑 Doctor's Or

20、dersBrown: I'm sorry to see you so unwell. Have you seen the doctor?Jack: Yes. I'm having three baths a day.Brown: What for?Jack: Don't know, doctor's orders. He gave me some medicine and told me to follow the directions on the bottle, which read:" One tablespoonful to be taken

21、three times a day in water."布朗：看到你身體這樣不好真讓人難過。你去看醫(yī)生了嗎？杰克：看過了，我現(xiàn)在一天洗三次澡。布朗：為什么？ 杰克：我也不知道，這是醫(yī)生的囑咐。他給了我一些藥并告訴我要按照藥瓶上的說明去做。說明上面寫著“一天三次在水中服一湯匙?！笔?推薦信 Letter of RecommendationWhen Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the f

22、irm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day. The following morning, Peters found a letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for 11

23、 years.When he left us, we were very satisfied."彼得斯聽說自己被解雇了，便去見人力資源部的頭頭。“既然我在公司干了這么久，”他說，“我想至少該給我一封推薦信。”人力資源部主任同意了，并說他第二天就可拿到該信。第二天早上，彼得斯在他的桌子上看一封信，上面寫道：“喬納森·彼得斯在我們公司干了11年。當(dāng)他離去的時候，我們很滿意?！笔?Quick Cleanup 快速清掃Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushe

24、d around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking

25、 in the bathtub."不速之客就在路上，我媽媽，一個完美的家庭主婦，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配給我爸和我哥哥的任務(wù)是打掃供客人使用的浴室。一會兒之后，當(dāng)她去檢查的時候，她吃驚了，曾經(jīng)一度雜亂的房間瞬間就被打掃干凈了。接著她看到浴簾上有一張紙條，紙條上寫著：“謝謝你沒往浴缸里看?！笔?Limited Knowledge 圣誕老人知識有限As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, pi

26、cking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You cant do that," argued my four-year-old. "Dont worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if Ive been bad or good, but he doesnt know the cookie fell on the floor?"平安夜那天，在我們分發(fā)餅干時

27、，我一不小心掉了一塊到地上?！皼]關(guān)系?！蔽乙贿呎f，一邊撿起來，并在放回盤子前撣掉了上面的灰。“你不能那么做?！蔽宜臍q大的孩子爭論道。“別擔(dān)心，圣誕老人不會知道的?！彼翌┝艘谎邸！斑@就是說他知道我有沒有做壞事，而他不知道餅干掉在地上過？”十四 How do I get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出來Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the

28、passengers rushed up to her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?" 當(dāng)空中小姐給乘客們發(fā)口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助于他們防止耳鳴。飛機(jī)著陸后，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：“ 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖從耳朵里面取出來呢？”十五 I am acting like a lady 我要表現(xiàn)得像一位女士One day women's dresses were on sale at a

29、department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd."You there!" challenged a thrilling voice. &

30、quot;Can't you act like a gentleman?""Listen," he said. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."一天，一家百貨公司的女裝大減價，一位高貴的中年男士想給他的太太挑選一件女裝。但是，沒過多久，他就發(fā)現(xiàn)自己已被瘋狂的女人們撞得踉踉蹌蹌。他竭力地忍耐著。后來，他低下頭，揮舞雙臂，擠過人群。“你干嘛？”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現(xiàn)得像一位紳士嗎？”“聽著，

31、”他說?！拔乙呀?jīng)像紳士一樣表現(xiàn)了一個小時了。從現(xiàn)在起，我要表現(xiàn)得像一位女士?！笔鵋ow much English can you speak? 你會說多少英文？"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few wor

32、ds of English."The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!""法官先生，我的當(dāng)事人被指控偷竊，這是多么不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認(rèn)路。而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。"法官看了看被告，問道："你會說多少英文？"被告抬起頭，說："把你的錢包給我！"

33、十七 Who talks more？誰更啰嗦？A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words